Date of Article: 15/03/2009
It has been proven beyond doubt by social scientists and philosophers that we cannot build moral societies from unstable families. Therefore any attempt to transform societies should start from our families in our homes.
Changes attitudes: (encouraging individuals to do introspection to better their marriages)
Which one of us doesnt need an attitude adjustment in SOME area on our outlook on life -- especially when it comes to our marriage? Its so easy to forget that which we ARE supposed to do and substitute it for that which we WANT to do instead. Sometimes both go hand in hand and other times it doesnt. When we took our marriage vows, we entered into a partnership deal with our spouse and with God. And sometimes in partnership, we have to make sacrifices for the betterment of all concerned -- not just our personal comfort.
Sex Sexuality.
This is a delicate issue which is known as a pillar and a glue to bring together many marriages and stabilize families. Lovemaking was created by God to be an exciting, intense and frequent part of every marriage. But for many couples this is far from being real. Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say.
Resolving conflict together before its too late.
Here we will provide tools to help resolving marital matters: The only person we have rightful power to change is ourselves. To keep blaming the other person for all our difficulties is to take upon ourselves the victim mentality, with the result that we will have little opportunity to benefit from the situation, such as learning how to react differently. We all like to think we are pretty close to perfection and that it is our partner who most needs to lift his/her game. This attitude inevitably produces a stalemate that at best leads to a stale marriage and at worst . . . well, you don’t even want to think about that. The instant you change, however, the stalemate is broken. By changing yourself, you change the entire dynamics of your marriage, which, incidentally, will change your partner as well.
Romantic times in marriages. (Song of Songs 7:11-12)
Most marriages are too dry no romantic lubrication. The marriage that I think demonstrates romance is that of Jacob and Rachel. He met her, he fell in love with her, and he worked for her father for seven years in exchange for her hand in marriage "and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her." (Gen. 29:20) Even after his father-in-law cheated him out of another seven years and tricked him into marrying his other daughter as well, his passion was for Rachel. He treasured her for his entire life, and even after she died he continued loving the two sons she gave him (Joseph and Benjamin) more than his other ten. He was certainly not a perfect husband, nor she a perfect wife, but his tender, lifelong love for her is a wonderful picture of biblical romance.
Time together, laughing and smiling: Time together enriching our marriages.
People are extremely occupied these days, some are busy doing nothing. Dont let your job or the kids or volunteer work or time with friends and extended family interferes with your marriage. Many couples today find that being married doesnt guarantee that they will have quality time with one another. If you are both busy, you have to plan to spend time together. Create time if you think you don’t have.
Biblical solution on marital issues: God in our marriage
The couple that never has conflicts does not exist. The Bible should not be used to avoid conflicts. When conflicts exist, its extremely difficult to solve them by using the Bible. Unfortunately, conflict can lead to bad fights. A bad fight is one that seriously alienates husband and wife but never resolves the cause of the problem. As a result couples build up bitterness, quarreling, uncontrolled anger, hatred, and often divorce, violence, and abuse. What many couples lack is the skill to discuss disagreements and resolve them. Specifically, they need the ability to discuss serious problems, reach a plan to resolve them, and then put that plan into action. I emphasize that this is a skill that many people simply never have learned, but which can be learned. Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If we trust in ourselves we may fail. But we must believe that Jesus will provide the strength we need to please to God
Counseling: who should handle our marital matters?
Marriage counseling is not a popular option in African (black) communities. What is surprising for many couples, however, is the unexpected weakness of the original report and its powerful attachment. The biggest mistake that couples do is to bring a good case for granted that their relationship will remain strong, because if you love or with “hard work”. But they do not have a deliberate strategy to preserve the strength of their union. Without a concrete plan, most of the couples’ attachment can grow weaker over time, whether that his marriage in jeopardy. The first year of marriage is a higher risk of divorce and questions. Couples report that “the spark is gone, “or that although there is still love each other, are no longer” in love “or have” grown apart “
In-laws: conflicts, money, talking (let’s not think lets communicate)
Jesus repeated what was said at the beginning of our existence when He said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh …” (Matthew 19:5). This passage is used very often and because of that, it’s crucial we don’t become numb to its basic points. First, marrying our spouse means we turn our loyalties to him or her. That doesn’t mean we are not loyal to our parents, but that we place priority on our husband or wife. One obvious step to leaving our parents that shows we place priority on our husband or wife is changing homes. Our attention and effort turn toward our family’s well being and happiness and a central home together. Second, becoming one flesh, in addition to referring to a husband and wife joining sexually, suggests we should stand united with our spouse regardless of outside opinions. We are so united with our spouse it’s as if the two of us are one person. Even if other people, such as in-laws, disapprove or offer their opinions, we make our own decisions and stand by them, together.
Signs of abusive marriage:
Many women assume that if theyre not being physically abused by their partner, then theyre not being abused. Thats not necessarily true. You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness. These are some of the questions we will explore. Do you feel that you cant discuss with your partner what is bothering you? Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem? Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups? Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources? Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle? Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it? Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship? Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets? Are you afraid of your partner?
Money
"Fifty percent of all marriages end in dissolution, and the number one reason for that is financial pressures," says debt expert Howard Dvorkin. Dvorkin, who runs the Consolidated Credit Counseling Services, in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has seen many marriages destroyed by money problems. Clear up the cash at the very beginning, and you can stop all of those arguments before they escalate out of control – and build a prosperous future. "The point is not how much or how little you have; its how you perceive and handle the resources God gives you" (Ron Blue). Its our prayer that you will work together as a team to handle whatever comes your way with prayer and care -- giving the Lord first place in your lives. Our love is with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be with the Lords guidance.
Talking together
Focus on listening.“The best type of communication involves mutual respect, validation of feelings, active listening and a willingness to compromise and negotiate,” Studies have shown that couples that provide support for each other around personal concerns such as work and friendship last. When both spouses are working and financial pressures have intensified, couples find it difficult to find time to talk issues out.
Unresolved past mistakes
Should we tell the truth about our past to future marriages? Is our past able to come back and disturb our future? The truth is sometimes dangerous. What do we do to save our marriages from our past? Discuss this within yourself and communicate with one of us to further your discussion.
Children of our previous boyfriends, girlfriends and marriages.
"Why would a couple want to have children when kids mess up a marriage so much? This was a question from a marriage counselor. How do we deal with children from previous marriage? The person am planning to marry was married before with 3 kids, how do we handle such a sticky situation?
Adultery.
The seventh commandment says "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Nevertheless, this sin has been committed throughout history. Today, though, adultery seems more rampant than ever. While tabloid stories report the affairs of politicians, millionaires, and movie stars, films like "The English Patient," "The Prince of Tides," or "The Bridges of Madison Country" feature and even promote adultery.
How prevalent is adultery? Two of the most reliable studies come to similar conclusions. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior estimates that "More than one-third of men and one-quarter of women admit having had at least one extramarital sexual experience." A survey by the National Opinion Research Center (University of Chicago) found lower percentages: 25 percent of men had been unfaithful and 17 percent of women.
1. Thoughts: controlling our thoughts… they are extremely dangerous when they are not controlled. Oku kuvamile kumakhosikazi athi xa umyeni engekho acinge ukuba usebubini. Ngamanye amathuba ezongcinga zilungile kodwa ngamanye zidla ngokuba azinjalo, umonakalo eziwudalayo uba mninzi kakhulu kumathuba amaninzi.
• These people are different… Men and women different.
• RESPECT THE IMAGE OF GOD IN THE OTHER PERSON.
2. REMEMBER THAT GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GIFT IN YOUR SPOUSE.
3. LOVE ALWAYS MEANS SACRIFICE.
4. RELINQUISH YOUR "RIGHTS"
LET EACH ESTEEM THE OTHER BETTER THAN HIM/ HERSELF.
It tells us in James 1:19 to "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Can each of us honestly claim that we conduct ourselves in our married lives as were told in this verse to do? Which one of us would want to volunteer to learn a lesson from someone we dont presently like or respect, or someone that has an attitude we dont appreciate? Which one of us would want to volunteer to learn a lesson from someone who rubs our failures in our face, or who isnt gracious in the way they "teach" us? Sicinga ukuba Intlalo yo Sapo is creditable enough to be able to touch aforementioned issues with dignity and respect. We are also planning to record people who are literally involved in these matters so that we play the tape before we discuss the particular topic. This we believe, will bring the topic closer to actuality/reality.
ISIXHOBO ESINOKUNCEDA ABATSHATILEYO UKWAKHA NOKULUNGISA UMTSHATO WABO
This questionaire is effective and can be used by couples in order to evaluate, monitor if they are prepared to change some characters or behaviours that cause harm in the marriage relationship. It also gives couples an opportunity to appreciate each other. Couples do not give time to evaluate their marital relationship. The questionaire helps the couples to kick start that process. As we know that in all the spheres of our lives we take time to do evaluation which helps in order to find a positive way forward and lessons from past mistakes. It is crucial for a married couple to do an evaluation of self, partner and the relationship. A lot of couples have ended up at Divorce courts with statements like “but I thought we were happy” and are surprised the partner replies that “the only time that I was happy was on our honeymoon or wedding day”. (It will only be effective if done by both parties).
What do you see as my strong points?, What do I do exceptionally well?, Which of my habits/characteristics do you like most?, Which of my characteristics cause the most conflict in our relationship?, How do you experience that?, What do I need to change to make it easier for you?
How would you like me to change it, How can you help me change?, How will I know that I have achieved the desired change?, Reward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SELF IMAGE
Self image is important in a marital relationship. How one sees himself/herself and how he/she builds this image is of paramount importance. Most people build or establish their image according to the material things that they achieve or attain in life, their status or positions at work or church or any other social clubs that they join. This image then has an impact in a marital relationship. How I see myself determines how I react to issues or problems in my marital relationship. Self image can be positive or negative. The purpose then is to stress the importance of having a positive self image within the marital relationship.
GENDER ROLES VS DEMOCRACY IN MARITAL RELATIONSHIP
In any marriage both parties are expected to play certain roles, these roles can be a source of conflict or happiness in the marriage. We have seen a change in roles between males and females especially in marriage. We need to explore how “Democracy “has changed the gender roles marital relationships.
STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT (FAMILY) (ISSUES THAT COUPLES DEAL WITH) (series)
1.1 HONEYMOON STAGE
This stage is of utmost importance as it forms the foundation of the marriage relationship. Think of it, until death do us part can be a long, long, long, long, time. Couples should understand that the honeymoon phase is just a phase and it passes. As soon as it passes reality sinks in. People tend to do a lot of stuff that they would not do if they were not in this phase and this creates expectations and obligations.
In this program we help couples deal with this stage in a more meaningful and realistic manner for them.
FAMILY FORMATION AND DEVELOPMENT (PREGNENCY, INFANCY AND TODDLER)
Pregnancy can be a source of stress for the couple and some do not even know how to handle that stress thus at times you will find people saying that “bayabukulana”. Adjustments that needs to be done in preparation for the new member of the family. Couples need to understand how to deal with this period and its dynamics for the benefit of their marriage.
1.2 SCHOOL GOING AGE
1.3 Individual roles are crucial at this stage and who is going to do what needs to be clarified and stipulated in good time. Stability is the key in a child’s life. Whatever happens in the couple’s relationship should not have an impact in the roles that we play in our child’s life.
1.4 UKWALEKELISA
Salekelisa nini? Ingxaki zokwalekelisa kwaye sinikwenza ntoni ukuzixhobisa kunqabe ukuxabana.
1.5 RAISING UP A TEENAGER
A lot of couples are struggling with raising up their teenage children today. In this program we look at the issues that couples are battling with in raising up these teenagers and how best to deal with them.
Poem of Love
You cant pretend to love.
You cant even fake a smile.
The things you think they dont notice,
they have been watching all the while.
Be aware that they are seeing
everything you do.
If you want your children to know love
then its really up to you.
For love isnt just a play time.
Love isnt a TV show.
If you love them unconditionally
then love will be what they know.
Its not what you want them to remember
its what they will choose to see.
If you loved one another always
then loving is what they will be.
(author unknown)
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